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Talking to Children about War - Pointers for Parents
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by Susan Linn, Ed.D.
Associate Director, Media Center
March 21, 2003
Family Education Network
"Why aren't they using their words?" a seven-year-old asked her mother today. She was talking about the U.S. bombing of Iraq. In another house, an eleven-year-old asked "Why are we killing innocent people? Are they going to bomb us?" "At least," she said, "They will probably bomb Washington, and not here." She was worried about her safety.
It is painfully difficult to talk with children about war. Given children's ready access to media, it is almost impossible to protect them from frightening and confusing world events. If children watch TV news, they may see such graphic images as a horribly burned person, or devastated, bombed out streets. If children don’t see television news, it is likely their friends do, and are talking about it in great detail.
What we say to our children depends on their age, the questions they ask, and our own political and moral beliefs. Whatever we feel about what's happening in Iraq, we want to encourage children to continue to be curious about the world, to value peaceful resolutions to problems, and to feel free to come to us with questions and concerns.
General guidelines:
- Try to find out what your children already know about the war and how they found out about it.
- Let them know you're glad to be talking with them about it. Share your opinions and feelings about this war, whatever they are. Encourage your children to express their own opinions.
- Ask your children if they are worried and/or frightened. Even if they say, "No," you are giving them permission to have those feelings and to talk about them if they choose. In the United States, we can reassure our children that they are safe and not likely to be bombed.
- Explain to children that what's happening in Iraq is real. Unlike violent movies, television programs, cartoons or video games, real people are dying and being hurt. Expressing our own feelings of grief and horror about what happens in a war is a good way to help children learn compassion and empathy.
Preventing Hate
We do not want to foment hatred in our children. However we feel about Saddam Hussein, our children should know that their Iraqi or Muslim classmates are not bad people. To condemn all Arabs, Muslims, or any racial or ethnic group, for the acts of a few is harmful and can lead to terrorism or smaller scale hate crimes. Reach out to members of racial, ethnic and religious communities other than your own. Religious services are one way of doing this. So are secular coalitions, such as the Leadership on Civil Rights, that work to promote diversity, tolerance and respect among all people.
Encouraging Altruism
If children want to help Iraqi children, encourage their concern and compassion. You can let them know about the International Red Cross, which can help victims of any country, even during a war.
Special Considerations
Children under seven
- Keep them away from television news. In fact, it would be best if they watched less commercial television than usual, since commercial programming may be interrupted by frightening news bulletins. Horrific images can cause nightmares or may awaken other fears and anxieties; children may need extra comforting.
- Young children may not talk directly about the war, but their fears might come out in play, providing opportunities for discussion.
- Reinforce the importance of using words to resolve conflicts. However you feel about the war, we should help children understand that under normal circumstances, violence is not a constructive option.
Children of the military
Children will have understandable fears for the safety of parents sent overseas. Parents and relatives at home can help by letting children honestly express their feelings and concerns. Frequent telephone calls, letters and/or E-mail are essential in helping children feel connected to, and loved by, absent parents.
Children of Iraqi Descent and Others from the Middle East
You and your family may have relatives in Iraq or elsewhere in the Middle East. Your children may share your worries for their safety. It's okay to share your own concerns, but let them know that you are hopeful that they will be okay. It's also important to let children know that there are people all over the world working for peace.